Wednesday, June 7, 2017

feedback from instructor


  • she reflected back that she had a sense that I am island-like...that didn't feel very good to hear, even if I said I'm island-like first
  • that while I am highly capable of being there and giving to others, I am island-like in being able to receive 
  • she said she felt I wouldn't let her in, again, island-like...and I'm wondering, do other students confide in teachers and seek a lot of help/guidance/attention?  I didn't know I needed to do that.
  • I come across like, "I got this," "I can do it by myself," "I can forge my own way..."
  • and I admit that I have had trouble being held, afraid I'll get dropped, so she's not wrong but I don't see how that's been so relevant in class, as I have participated 100% 
  • while I learned a lot, I also feel kind of analyzed and judged, and it doesn't feel good, even though she had "positive" feedback too...feels a little yucky and I wonder what that's about
  • also, I was hoping she would comment on my work more.  she offered to meet with us and give feedback, so I thought she might say more about my work, my writing, the skills I presented in class, and have more direction for the professional directions I'm headed...here's where I probably got the type of feedback I got because she's really a therapist and not trained to teach...big differences. I and other students run into this all the time at my school...it's annoying...good teaching is an art. just because someone is knowledgeable in a field does not mean they can be good teachers. 
  • while I like her, there were times I felt singled out, bored, and falling asleep in her class...I forgot about that stuff and should have included that in my evaluation of her and her class. oh well...it's so much easier just to focus on what worked well...what worked well, what worked the best, is my hard work and willingness to do deep work
  • that therapists aren't just giving to clients, they have to be feeling with, really taking in and receiving what clients are sharing...that makes sense and I am on track with learning empathic attunement and understand the the therapeutic alliance is healing because clients feel felt
  • I also feel like once again, she and other people, assess me when they don't know me.  That was our first time to talk and I asked her for feedback because I trust and admire her and think her skills are pretty on point, but even then, I still feel that he assessments are premature.  I share a lot in my papers but I don't know...it didn't feel right...I'll pay attention to that flag, follow it, and explore it.  She isn't totally wrong, I just really dislike being sized up so early on and I try really hard not to do that to other people.  You can't know someone from limited interaction in a group/class environment, no one-on-one talking, and just from reading one page reflection papers.  Her feedback kind of hurts my feelings.  I feel judged.  I also felt like she was changing her assessment as we talked, seeing I'm much more available, connected, and open than she thought...too late, the judgments were already laid out.  I feel like this has been going on my whole life...it's annoying to experience feeling misunderstood and defined, until others open up themselves to give me a truly fair assessment.
  • I love collaborating and hearing from others, but I have to sit with the feedback they share...and from a teacher, it's more grading...the one-wayness, like the therapeutic alliance too, is annoying, but I understand why the dynamics are the way they are, but getting graded by or assessed by someone who probably has their own shit feels weird and off-putting
  • I'm learning to take it in, use what is helpful, look at my flaws with compassion, and continue on the healing journey  
  • also, instructor disclosed two interesting facts which give clues about her thinking and assessment of me:  1) the drawer where student's papers are stashed, along with any other message the school or other students might leave is where this teacher puts our papers after she's graded them.  Well, I always forget to check my cubby...so she mentioned that today with wonderment.  I'm guessing she might have thought I don't value her opinion of my work since I don't retrieve my stuff.  That's not the case at all!  I always want to see how instructors respond, even if I don't love to be graded. 2) apparently someone gave pretty harsh feedback on their mid-term evaluations, and she thought it was me and pointed it out today in our conversation as if it were true...and I let her know it wasn't me, that I've had overall a pretty good experience with this class...then she back peddled and said she thought I had so she's wondering why she thought it was me...um, okay...whatever...
  • again, something I've learned a lot at this school, and in school in general, is what NOT to do...very valuable info although it sucks learning in the process 

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