Saturday, December 30, 2017

Patience: A Practice in Trust

I trust that my dreams and desires are in my heart for good reasons.
They are maps guiding me home. 
In this home, there is no coming or going, only eternal love, presence and dwelling.
Perfection for a wanderer like me.

...and you're always there, prodigally welcoming me, allowing me to shower my creativity; my Beloved.

The Fungi in Your Future

Absolutely amazing!!! Replacement for leather. Oh, PLEASE, great spirit/God/Source/Allah/name above all names/Multiverse...can our nation and world move in the direction of such nonviolent, clean solution oriented innovation!?!?!?!  There are so many creators and awesome solutions but we need them to become manifest and affordable for the masses NOW, and we need the masses to care enough to use their consumer power to support these solutions and to boycott the others. I suppose begging the gods to influence the likes of certain political powers that be to promote these sorts of businesses and industry is a waste of energy, but I'm willing. I'm not too cool to get on my knees, to lay my heart and belly on the earth, and ask for help with all of my being. We need help! We need change!

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Happy Holidays!

Fruity-Oat No-Bake Cookies for the Santa Fe Vegan holiday community potluck. Apricots, dates, persimmons, rolled oats, cardamom, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, sea salt. 
Popped in the dehydrator for a few hours! Soooooooo yummy! 

She let go, a little bit more...

Little by little, I'm letting go of so much...I don't want things, I want love and experiences. This is the art of making space for newness. Getting rid of stuff (as cool as it is...books especially) I don't' need or use, which honestly, is almost everything I own when I think about it. I look around my room at all of my things, and while I may feel a slight attachment to them, or notice a story that comes up around those items, or I sense how much there is to learn from them if delve into them over and over, I feel inspired to let it all go. As interesting as most of these things are, I rarely touch them. I just have them. And they aren't what I most desire to have. This feels really strange and empty and unnecessary. I don't want things...they just become a prison. Most of it is just filler and I want to live with more intention, doing, being, and direct experience. As far as books are concerned, go to the library, and anyway, yhy read about it when I can live it! Minimizing to maximize!

Thursday, December 21, 2017

She Let Go

(author unknown to me):

"She Let Go"

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Home Sweet Home: The Land of Enchantment

Wake up lovers, it is time to start the journey!

We have seen enough of this world, it is time to see another.

These two gardens may be beautiful but

let us pass beyond them and go to the Gardener.

Let us kiss the ground and flow like a river towards the ocean.

Let us go from the valley of tears to the wedding feast,

let us bring the color of blossoms to our pale faces.

Our hearts shiver like autumn leaves about to fall,

in this world of dust there is no avoiding pain or feeling exiled.

Let us become like beautifully colored birds

and fly to the sweet land of paradise.

Everything is painted with the brush of the Invisible One

let us follow the hidden signs and find the Painter.

It is best to travel with companions on this perilous journey

only love can lead the way.

We are like rain splashing on a roof let us find our way down the spout.

We are like an arched bow with the arrow in place

let us become straight and release the arrow towards the target.

We have stayed at home scared like mice

let us find our courage and join the lions.

Let our souls turn into a mirror longing to reflect the essence of Beauty.

Let us begin the journey home.

Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi

P.S. I've made my choice to stay in Santa Fe, to be creative and work hard with the vegan community here! We can make an awesome place that's vegan friendly and just as cool as Portland, LA, NYC, Berlin... I can't afford to move my retired mom and me to a large city at this point (not until I have a very high paying job), so instead, I'm going to be grateful for what I have and do the best with these resources in this time and space. I think it will be well worth the commitment.  I feel so relieved! Now I can breathe and get back to living here, grounded, stable, rooted, with presence in the here and now. Somehow, I have to practice patience and trust that what I need and desire will come to me, if I'm meant to have it.

P.P.S.  We are all pilgrims on our journey back to the Beloved.  Arriving is only a breath away. The breath is now. Departing and arriving are illusions.

City of Angles

Should I move back home? I do miss it, a lot.  But I'm also thinking of San Francisco/North Bay Area, but soooooo bloody expensive!

Hmmm.... rates LA as America's most vegan friendly city and I must work in an awesome vegan restaurant, as I'll have my plant-based chef certification in a few months. LA, certain parts anyway, are affordable, so that's a plus.  It seems like a match for me...and I have lovely friends there.  What more does a girl need?

Santa Fe is nice, but I kind of want to get the hell out of here. But beautiful CA is on fire! What to do?

Monday, December 11, 2017

The Secret Reason We Eat Meat by Dr. Melanie Joy

Reflect on the different systems and events throughout history which have depended on the invisibility of violence, slavery, ethnic cleansing, and more, in order to perpetuate and profit from them.  We know it is wrong that this has happened to people and it is also wrong that this is happening to animals. Stand up for the innocent and be a voice for the voiceless.

Friday, November 24, 2017

The Worship of Nature


The harp at Nature’s advent strung
      Has never ceased to play;
The song the stars of morning sung
      Has never died away.

And prayer is made, and praise is given,
      By all things near and far;
The ocean looketh up to heaven,
      And mirrors every star.

Its waves are kneeling on the strand,
      As kneels the human knee,
Their white locks bowing to the sand,
      The priesthood of the sea!

They pour their glittering treasures forth,
      Their gifts of pearl they bring,
And all the listening hills of earth
      Take up the song they sing.

The green earth sends its incense up
      From many a mountain shrine;
From folded leaf and dewy cup
      She pours her sacred wine.

The mists above the morning rills
      Rise white as wings of prayer;
The altar-curtains of the hills
      Are sunset’s purple air.

The winds with hymns of praise are loud,
      Or low with sobs of pain,—
The thunder-organ of the cloud,
      The dropping tears of rain.

With drooping head and branches crossed
      The twilight forest grieves,
Or speaks with tongues of Pentecost
      From all its sunlit leaves.

The blue sky is the temple’s arch,
      Its transept earth and air,
The music of its starry march
      The chorus of a prayer.

So Nature keeps the reverent frame
      With which her years began,
And all her signs and voices shame
      The prayerless heart of man.

Pass the Relish!

I feel so excited about the approach of 2018.  This evening I watched the pink and gold sunset and just relished in the good feelings washing over and welling up inside me.  It's a deep awareness and knowing; that's the best way I can explain it...and it's luscious. Intuitively, based on some awesome recent developments in my Life, I sense that it's going to be an important, adventurous and gorgeous period for me. I feel grateful in advance. And I'll turn 38. What a great age for a renaissance woman!

Friday, November 17, 2017

Vegan Banana Bread!!!

VBB is always one of my favorites to bake and share. These are special though!

First, I made several flavors of soy yogurt from homemade soy milk (maple syrup and cardamom, cinnamon and maple syrup, peanut butter and maple syrup, and dates with cinnamon and maple syrup) and then I used the yogurt to make these loaves. They are oil free as well! (I could totally make these gluten free!)

Monday, November 13, 2017

Raw Banana-Cinnamon-Cardamom Rolls...yumm!!!

Vegan chef (raw and cooked) on my way to certification and an exciting 
culinary and entrepreneurial future!

...and one of my sweetest inspirations...


My little Love!

Go vegan for Thanksgiving!!!

(I'm so excited because a family member of mine has decided to do just that!
 Major win for our household!)

"Many would agree that 2017 is the year of food revolution. Google shows a 90 percent increase in vegan-related searching in the last 12 months. People are interested in exploring vegan diets after reading Dr. Michael Greger’s book, How Not To Die. What brings the vegan movement to the forefront is the coalition of climate activists and animal protection advocates. Scientists have confirmed that our present diet, the overconsumption of animal products (meat, poultry and dairy) plays a major role in environmental degradation and climate change. Each year, 700 billion animals are slaughtered globally. Just for the Thanksgiving holiday alone, 45 million turkeys are killed. Such a practice violates the spirit of Thanksgiving. Hence, a cruelty-free holiday feast would be a compassionate choice."

-letter to the editor by Mira Fong, Santa Fe activist

***Vegan food is predicted to be one of the most popular consumer trends for 2018, and hopefully the trend sticks.
*** and I will add that science also confirms that a diet of animal products which are high fat, high protein foods degrade human health by causing and/or exacerbating diabetes, inflammatory and autoimmune issues, heart disease, obesity, cancers, etc...

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

It wasn't your fault. You aren't alone.

For those of you who have ever been victimized, in any way, you did nothing to bring that on. It is not a reflection of you, not at all. It reflects that individual, our human collective plagued by violence, and the repetition of the poorest, sickest education passed from one hurt person to another. It wasn't your fault. Don't fall into the victim blaming trap of confusion which can perpetuate patterns of self-hate over a life time. Remember that and carry on with courage and dignity.

Recently, a random man at the gym and I talked for a few minutes.  He was wearing a shirt that had Tupac and some other rappers' faces replacing the faces of the men carved into Mount Rushmore. I liked his shirt and told him.

We began discussing racial issues in America, which then turned into a discussion about violence in the military. He's a Vet. It was one of those snow-balling conversations.  So much suffering accumulated and an avalanche was on its way, and we did well in talking respectfully about such complex topics, which I appreciate.  These are really difficult topics to discuss.  

He made one remark which really disturbed me though.  He said that women who have experienced violence--gang rape was the example used in the conversation, as we both know women who have been brutalized in that manner while serving in the armed forces--should not have been hanging out with soldiers who were drinking.  He feels, in a way, those women brought this on themselves.  This is so cliche that I could hardly believe what I was hearing from him.  

How can it be that people still believe this shit, and so much that he has the audacity to voice it to a woman!  So, of course, I proceeded to let him know that it is never a woman's fault, or a man's fault, when they are raped, brutalized, or victimized in any way, no matter what!

This kind of miseducation is a disease...a human virus...and we have to work really, really hard to eradicate it.  Please keep speaking up. Share your story and confront violence by shining your light into this darkness.  Don't be silent.  Use your voice any and every time violence and idiocy of this nature arises.  Whether it be hateful, racist, homophobic, violence against animals, or whatever. Bear witness, practice non-complacency in a nonviolent manner, and be a tender warrior.  Let people know you aren't going to tolerate it, that they're misinformed, and that it isn't okay to perpetuate such patterns even via thought and speech.

All in all, I can't change anyone other than myself, but I'm not going to be a nice girl and keep my mouth shut either.  

Monday, October 23, 2017

Update from Zah...

For those of you who have been interested in the struggle of my 5-year pen-pal friendship with Michael Zaharibu Dorrough​, I wanted to share an update of some good news. 

His quality of life is improving although he is still an inmate of 30+ years in the CA prison system.  Here's a reminder of his struggle.  Michael has served 30 of those years in pro-longed solitary confinement for a crime he says he is innocent of.  While he has been incarcerated, he has been a published writer in several journals, he is a poet, and an activist.  During those years, he was able to be outside maybe one hour a day, but sometimes not, and when he was outside, he was still in another cage, literally, a cage.

As an activist, he and others have fought to end pro-longed solitary confinement in CA prisons (a UN expert inspected CA prisons a few years back and defined this and the conditions inmates live in as torture) through two hunger strikes, both which he played a vital role in organizing and participating in.  They have done numerous other projects struggling to improve living conditions for inmates as well.  It seems some of their struggles are making a real difference.

 From his newletter update:  

"Zaharibu let us know in a letter that he has completed a mentorship class called M.A.N.U.P. He will now be able to conduct a class, and he is doing so on Tuesdays.

Zaharibu's custody level has also been reduced, and therefore he can stay out on the yard until 8:45 PM.

Zaharibu is now also working as a clerk for the educational department. He is looking forward to that experience.

For the rest, Zah keeps working on his case for innocence, and on educating the people about the sentence of Life Without Parole in California dropped as an inhumane sentence, as part of the Lifers With Optimistic Progress (LWOP)-group."

please view these links for more info:

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Notes from a Vegan Hypocrite...Vol. 2

My latest writing project is titled Notes from a Vegan Hypocrite.

I want to share in hopes that my vulnerability will encourage others to examine their role as consumers in this world and to be forces of peaceful change, one dollar and one bite at a time.

I've eaten the flesh and drank the milk of enslaved, murdered and raped men and women of other species...and now I have to live with and heal (heal myself and do what I can to help other beings and humans heal) from my greed, confusion, and addictive tendencies.  Although I choose to be vegan now, and have gone in and out of it over the last 6 years, most of my 37 years of life I did not choose to be vegan.  I am the problem.  I am also the solution.

And I will have to pay my karmic debts too. Nothing is free.  I can never take back the harms I've caused to innocent beings and I can never neutralize my violent choices.  I am a criminal in my personal prison who has to live with what I have done.  And moving forward, I will practice forgiveness and I will make the most nonviolent choices I can as a conscientious consumer and global citizen.  I am a believer in restorative justice, therefore, one day at time, I humble myself and work to be the change I wish to see in the world.  My job is to change myself.

Consequently, I would rather be a hypocrite in public perpetuating the critical mass of change than a silent, complacent cog in the perpetual wheel of suffering and misery.

Notes from a Vegan Hypocrite...Vol. 1

I'm having some blasphemous thoughts today, Sunday of all holy days, which isn't unusual for me. It isn't a slight against Jesus, but against humans and what we do with our various agendas to control, divide and conquer. I'm sure Jesus would be sick if he knew what humans have done in his name.
I stood on my porch on this lovely Fall day admiring the mountain chain just East of my home. In English they are called the Blood of Christ mountains... So gross, so violent!!! But these mountains were here long before Christ, long before humans, long before religious dogmas, and long before colonization.

I just pray that our human collective will stop being such a dominating self-centered dis-ease on this planet. I hope we will stop putting ourselves, our convenience, our lust for power, our greed, our addictions, our imbalanced value systems, our materialism and consumerism, our wars, our hatred of the other, our etc, first.

We have the capability to do so much better if we will only wake up to our True Nature and act from that knowing.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Letting go...

Today, I am falling more out of love with the world and more deeply in love with Life...and I am fully immersed in the tantric dialogue. 

I trust the bigger picture and complex elements at hand...and I hold it all...all of this Life, the love, the tragedy, the beauty, the destruction, the death, all of the my heart and in the collective ethereal heart of the Divine We. 

And I am not going to "try" to change anything other than myself anymore.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

For the last four weeks, I taught an elective called Art for Peace. AFP focuses on and demonstrates ways artists can be and are peacemakers in the world. We painted, made collages, and ended with making art out of recycled stuff.

So, one of "The Littles," which is what we call the 4-6 year-old girls, this particular Little is 4, made a star out of a lot of trash, popsicle sticks, and whatnot. She also insisted on presenting her work to the class—because all the girls are precocious and amazing and wanted to present their work, which I encouraged—and she explained that the star is protecting Earth and guiding people to take care of Nature and "the animals" and to be kind.

Each week, The Littles impressed me with their love for justice and desire for fairness in the world. Their work consists of their intentions for making the world, the human condition rather, as the world is just fine, more peaceful. They set intentions for healing the environment, planting trees, caring for forests, cleaning up water sources, refraining from over-fishing, animal rights and welfare, empowerment of women and girls...and boys too, refraining from indulgent consumerism, and training humans to be compassionate to all beings and cooperative with each other. 

I think one of the best takeaways for The Littles and for me was the affirmation that creative practices can promote Self-realization and Self-mastery, and that those avenues are also powerful ways one person, even a child, can be an agent of change.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Baking + Autumn = Alchemy

I made delicious and nutritious vegan spiced apple, banana, date bread tonight!  One loaf got a dark chocolate glaze too!

Fall is my favorite time of the year.  It's already electric on its own, but then add the aromas of fresh bread baking...and the results are nothing short of magic.

I'm so, so, so happy to be a grad school drop out following my dreams to be a chef.  It turns out that I have full funding for not one but THREE plant-based culinary programs all happening before the end of this year and one extending into next year. This feels so miraculous to me!!!  Especially because I also landed a full-time job at a vegan/vegetarian cafe which prepares all homemade ayurvedic foods, including a huge menu of baked items...and the chefs (one from India) are going to teach me everything.  My life is an alchemical fairy tale with new dream surprises happening daily! It's clear to me that I made the right choice because I am so happy and because the Multiverse has responded with nothing but positive affirmations, rewarding me for taking a leap of faith.

Besides my BA in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution and Peacebuilding with a minor in Studio Art, I have never felt my studies so in alignment with my higher purpose.  Even while I worked on my undergraduate degree, before I went to school actually, I was studying nutrition, food sustainability, all the benefits of a plant-based diet, environmental stewardship, and more.  And in the studio I painted realistic portraits of fruit and veggies and painted abstract paintings of my own body as well as the Earth body healing as a result of eating plants.  Now that I have arrived to this point in my life, there is no doubt in my mind that I was heading this way and that I am on tack for greatness.  I say greatness with humility because to me, that can only happy through serving others and working for the highest happiness, health, and wellness of all.  Greatness is shared; all is One.  This includes humans, non-human animals, rocks and minerals, plant beings, winged and water-dwelling creatures, all life seen and unseen, and all life on and beyond Earth as well.  These areas are where my passions reside.

But, because I live on Earth, I love to dream about what home will look like.  I wonder what kind of animals will live in the sanctuary when it is built?  I wonder which fruit trees we will plant?  I want to plant an orchard and semi-prototype for other orchards which my non-profit will planted in food scarce areas for people (and non-human animals) to eat for free.  I wonder where we will put the garden, the house, the vegan cafe?  I hope there are big trees to place picnic tables beneath.  I wonder who WE, my people, me team, will consist of.  I wonder!!!! And I'm so excited!!!

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

I love how courageous I am!!!!

Moving right along toward my vegan chef/entrepreneur dream...and it's amazing how much support I'm getting and opportunities are presenting themselves in just 48 hours, as I do the foot-work of course. This week, I'm dropping off resumes at businesses I want to work in, thus learn from. AND here's the biggie...I may have full funding for the culinary program I want to start next month!!!! Fingers crossed!!! Holding the vision!!! Seeing myself succeed!!! In service to the health and wellness of all!

So, the other day, I was complaining and speaking negatively about having to go back to therapy school, before I dropped out, and that friend said, Laura, be careful because words have power...

So TRUE!!! I am extra aware of that now, and it's interesting because, for so long, I just tried to suck it up and not speak negatively, except in my journal, about the edu path I was on...and just stay positive and power through and do something I didn't want to do and tell myself all kinds of stories to keep myself motivated and..........

But when, I finally paid attention to my language, the private language in my head, heart and journal entries, and to my hesitation, and paying attention to the story about me being a drop out loser who will never accomplish anything, and started saying it and my dislikes about the life I'm living and work I'm doing, out loud, even though it was negative and not blissful and spiritual or whatever...then everything changed.  Sure, that's scary!  To admit to myself I don't want to be a therapist, or a teacher, or a social worker...that I don't want to work with kids, or humans, too closely and on a daily basis...was really hard.  I've been forcing myself to do this work for years now because I thought these were my only options.  Guess what, they aren't!!!!

My vocational dream timeline:  
  • start the Rouxbe on-line plant-based professional chef program 10/17 and have my certification complete within the 6 month period they allot 
  • at the same time, be working in the Vegan Bakery and Catering department at La Montanita Coop, or in the kitchen at Verde raw vegan kitchen, or BOTH at different times would be great, or at Body, or in some other businesses which I have rated in order from most desired and in alignment with my goals to the least
  • so then I'm getting on the job training and getting paid, so I have a home to live in, etc...
  • be researching other work opportunities within different plant-based nutrition organizations like Food For Life 
  • be researching animal sanctuaries, non-profits, how to support the animals with a farm-to-table cafe, how to set up a space for the animals to live, property stuff, where do the animals come from...possible therapeutic opportunities involving collaborating with the animals, if they and I even want to do that, of course, and certification processes involved in that
  • be researching gardening and how to manage a really big one to support the cafe
  • "                    " and developing business plans, menus, financials
  • where do I want this cafe and sanctuary to be??? can I afford that? what's the weather like there, is it conducive to raising animals and a prosperous garden???
  • who is going to be on my team?
  • eventually have all of this up and running...probably other steps between research and that but this is the idea and a good start

Anyway, I am just glad I have the courage to follow my heart and pursue my dreams...and listen to and voice my negative as well as positive language, in order to be truly honest and real with myself and the Multiverse.  I don't have to grin and bear it...I don't have to take one for the team...

I'll truly be able to serve the highest good doing what I want and love to do...just watching my world shift in the last 48 hours is an affirmation and indicator that I am right on track!!! A courageous winner willing to take risks and appropriate right action! not a loser/quitter!!!! 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Grad school drop-out (at least for now)...I'm out!!!

After a long and careful deliberation, and integrating all that has happened over the last year (and more than the last year) in my studies and life, I know that I do not want to be a therapist. It’s been hard to admit that to myself and now that I have, I feel so relieved. I have a clear vision of the work I want to do and directions I wish to follow and it involves A LOT less work with humans and academia and more work with Nature, non-human Animals, the plant-based, vegan, sustainable agriculture movement and entrepreneurship within that movement, as well as my own individual work in the arts which will likely involve collaborative healing work.
If it turns out I have made the worst mistake of my life, I can always re-apply and finish up my degree. I am not worried about it. I know and trust myself and listen deeply to The Winds of change when they cause my sails to shift directions. It may seem flighty, and it truly is, and The Winds of my intuition have never steered me the wrong way yet. Onward!  Following my heart and my dreams! 

Dear Multiverse:

I hope you are well!  Hope your summer, now turning to golden Fall, is lovely!  Autumn is my most beloved season.

So, I don’t know if you identify as an introvert or not...but I need your help figuring stuff out.  Of course, we know that being an introvert doesn’t always mean being a shy or reserved person.  We know that introversion is actually a brain processing phenomenon.  I am an introvert, although I am not reserved; I always have been but have been learning how to self-identify over the last few years. I remember and recount my childhood sensitivities...there wasn't one adult around who could relate to me and reach me as I needed to be reached, nurtured, and gently guided so I could really tap into my great potential and talents...and I'm still playing catch up as a result of such blind neglect. So, like any kid would, I felt I was an outsider and have been trying not to be one my whole life!  Hey world, I'm not an alien, I'm an introvert! And I'm an introvert with different value systems than other dominant cultures, ie, veganism.  I've thought there was something wrong with me, have wondered about all kinds of "disorders" and have tried to understand why I don't and usually don't want to fit in with others, and why navigating relationships can be so difficult and tiring.  I've tried doing the opposite of what is comfortable, questioning and even going against my values so I can try to coalesce with others and group norms.  It never works and it never lasts. Believe me, I really have tried to be a team player and team builder too!  In fact, I've put lots of training hours into it.  I have also humbly reached out for help from mentors and counselors and I think that I have not received the help I need is because I live in a world of extroverts.  Seriously, extroverts run the show and are the majority.  And we live in a world that rewards extroverts.  Moreover, extroverts, even extroverted mental health and other types of "helping" professionals do not really understand introverts, therefore introverts are mislabeled, misunderstood and misguided, among other things.  A friend wrote: it is typical that non-dominant cultures understand the nuances of dominant cultures, but is rarely the other way around. Indeed! This simple statement if mindfully acted on could be the root to solutions for conflict across the board. 

Anyway, I wanted to request a heart-to-heart with you and to learn a bit about your practice in the therapy field and professional life in general.  You seem like a high and healthy functioning adult, so naturally, I'm drawn to knowing how you survive and thrive as a professional in this world.  

Here's a brief synopsis of my, uh...situation:

Long story short; I am having a really hard time finding a professional avenue that I like and want to travel.  As much as I have a heart to serve others, I really don't like people that much, which sounds awful, but I mean...what I mean is that I feel exhausted by people and I prefer to be alone and to limit my time with most people to very short, manageable increments.  Moreover, I am feeling, and have over this last year at SWC felt, like I don't want to be surrounded with people's problems...which is a tough one since, as I said, I have a heart to serve using the arts.  The thing is, I really need a profession where I get to be creative and helpful in my community and the world and not struggle financially all the time.  

Here's another example that I am waking up to:  I recently got a job working with youth in an empowerment-based feminist program, which is awesome in theory, and I really don't like kids, or humans too much, as I already mentioned.  I don't understand do I feel a desire to serve and work with folks and not like them...and want nothing to do with them...???  This is really perplexing.  I mean, I deeply love these children, they're beautiful, and I even sometimes enjoy them, but they are loud, rude, self-absorbed, mean at times, and I have to raise my voice and be someone I'm not with them just to get them to settle for 10 seconds and then they're at it again...I hate this work. Kids scare me and I feel a range of hope and fear for the world when I engage with them and watch them develop little by little into adults.  I'm a little shocked by my misanthropic feelings but it does not serve me or anyone else to suppress them any longer.  So, people and social engagements to an extent are...uh, tough...for me...and I try to avoid them.  There are moments that feel good and like working with youth/humans is something I want to do but in general not so much and I feel tired and annoyed and need to be alone to get back to equilibrium. And I have tried soooooo hard to mold myself into being someone else, someone who loves these types of interactions.  I'm not that girl. 

It's important to note that I keep trying to shift this part of myself, as if I can wave a magic wand and be someone else with different needs and feelings.  Living in an extroverted world has conditioned me to believe that I'm wrong, aloof, snotty, for being introverted; that I need to be/do more this or that; that I need to be an activist in certain socially engaging ways in order to take responsibility for "being the change" and I think there's a lot of truth to that; that in order to be kind I must be available to help and show up at all times; that I need to be able to handle all the intensity and drama and chaos within interpersonal settings; that as a woman I should want to have a family; that as a human I should want lots of friends around; and I'm FINALLY starting to understand that I AM FINE and healthy and stable the way I am.  I do not need to change this part of myself and I cannot change it. Trying to shove my curvy self into a square hole is not working. Instead, I want to and must leverage this awareness and find solutions for myself so I can get my needs met and live happily. I keep thinking, oh, this new work gig is cool, I can do this, or, maybe I'll like that job and can excel...and I'm actually dying inside while I lie to myself.  This is unsustainable and at times, downright miserable on an existential level.  I refuse to live this way.  

So, I thought I wanted to work with kids and groups, and maybe adults are better (but adults are often way worse than kids in lots of ways...and adult bad behavior is horrible to put up with as well…) so, I'm at a loss.  Working with individual humans seems doable and could be great but I have little experience with that. Perhaps Spring practicum can help me figure out if I like that? Right now, I feel like I want to drop out of therapy school (and I'm not going to because that would be incredibly stupid as I'm sure I can work these skills and credentials into a workable professional practice somehow) and become a chef/artist.  I see myself with a bright and open studio art space, where I work alone besides when I invite someone like a client in or a colleague to collaborate with, with a commercial kitchen to bake bread and make the vegan food I love and want to serve, and a place for yoga, dance, meditation, and an outdoor space for connection with animals and gardening…stuff like that.  I truly am a sensitive artist type, like for real.  The older I get, the less flexible I am about not getting my introverted needs met.  I'm actually slightly indignant and am becoming unwilling to compromise certain things. I like quiet...spaciousness...creativity, music, cooking, animals, plants, nature...and a very few, select humans.  I dislike having to answer to people and shape my life around the agendas of other folks, which may sound uncooperative, and maybe it is, but I've been cooperating for so long! It's time I have the courage to really live authentically and to shape my studies and professional life around that.

Can you offer me direction, please? Maybe the “helping” profession isn’t for me?  Maybe I can do other things and still be a self-identified altruist, but a less social one?

Thank you so much for your consideration and insights!!!


Laura Murphy

P.S. Even as I write this, or just a few minutes after, I feel compelled to minimize and backtrack and explain, actually, I am a nice person, I love people, I care about their struggles, etc, etc, etc, and all of that is true.  And, for the sake of simply honoring my truth and feelings that I have pushed away for so long, it's important that I just say all of this. I'm tired of pretending.  Now, I get to take this knowledge, explore it, and allow my awareness to propel me into appropriate right action that will take me where I wish to go.  I know that switching gears if need be, and or simply fine tuning my current plan, and taking a path that I feel truly inspired to take, will in the long-run help me to be of greater service to myself and others.  Now it's time to research jobs I might like, for instance, forestry, being a chef, perhaps being a therapist with a private practice on the side of other jobs....light house operator...being the person who makes hiking trails...working with animals...having my own art studio, a good one too...

 Also, it's interesting because I love huge cities...probably because I can blend right into the crowd, hide out in museums, get lost in the library and on city streets, meditate on the subway, etc.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Calling IN, not calling out

RE: current political/social climates/conflicts et al...
I read about a communication/advocacy/activist strategy recently that caught my attention: "calling IN, not calling out."

At first it seems subtle, but the more I ponder it, it's a remarkably powerful and right action oriented shift that takes a whole 'lotta skill, care, self-awareness and self-regulation. Just noting the self-mastery this skill takes hints at why so many conveniently use the calling out method instead. Going against the streams of convenience and conditioning takes a lot of effort and that effort is worth more than we might be able to imagine.

Anyway, calling IN rather than calling out feels much more spacious and fluid to me. It creates a place for shifting, exploration, pivot zones, dancing of seemingly opposite forces, and coalescence of seemingly polar interests, needs and values. Calling IN could allow for messages to be heard more effectively, for positions to be stated with intention assertively in integrity without striking blows and destroying progress that is made, and for hearts to soften and open, even just to be more transparent about the fears, anger, hurt, vulnerability, victimization, etc, one or a group feels.

When I think about calling in as oppose to calling out, it's like, I can breathe easier. Even as I sit here writing about it. I feel a shift in my body toward relaxation. I imagine more possibilities and solutions and open space for them to develop. I hope we can take time to listen and get to know each other, even if we completely disagree, and learn to use this style of communication and practice more non-violence in our lives.

p.s. I'm trying to remember where I read this so I unfortunately can't cite who said it or where I found it.  I'll dig around in my brain and report back with sources. I just think this concept is brilliant!!! I want to know more.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Tuesday morning white privilege

….so heart breaking...sickening and depressing….white privilege is one of the worst cases of tunnel vision out there, and because of our whiteness, we have it, I have it... period. It’s very important to get real with and sit with the disgust that arises, at least that's what I feel. we white folks can and must work on being more aware, loving, and active change- and peacemakers—especially in educating other white folks about these issues—but we can never fully understand what People of Color have gone and go through because of racism and historic trauma.
white privilege can be a tough concept for many white folks to wrap their heads around. And it’s tough for me to understand how it’s tough for white folks to get it, but that’s a crux in this horrific situation that continually perpetuates greed, fear, lack, hate, and more. The longer it takes for white folks to get it, the longer this nightmare will drag out. however, with a willingness to humble one's self, which includes learning new ideas, laying down the need to be right and to make others wrong, laying down tired victim stories that aren’t inclusive and sensitive to the experiences and victimization others deal with every single day, and trying to look at the world through different cultural lenses, it can be done and a river of compassion and insight can wash over that willing human. it's the graceful, righteous cleansing our nation and world need.

a lot of white folks’ language around multicultural issues and current events come across as brash, disrespectful and demeaning of People of Color’s experiences, valid fears, anger and anxiety... IF white people would rather not set themselves up to look like uneducated, hateful bigots, and if they want to venture even further and create solution, cohesion and peace in the world, they may want to consider using their language and privileges in ways that empower people, heal, and help to eradicate hatred, rather than fuel fires. words have power. I urge you to tap into the inherent love that is in you and that you are, and choose wisely.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Double Rainbow!

I saw a double rainbow today on my drive home from my first day of my new awesome job with the youngest feminists in Santa Fe!

and after getting to hang out with one girl singing this song very boldly on repeat!  I'm surrounded by little sparkly lions, tigers and unicorns at my new job and I love it!!!

and to top it all off, I decided to make pancakes for dinner, because I can, and one came out in the shape of a heart without me even trying...

some days are just wonderful!!!

Pancakes!!! Hooray!!!

It turns out I'm pleased with my runny vegan yogurt because I used it in place of the almond milk in this recipe for vegan fluffy pancakes.  I also added 1/4 tsp. ginger and 1/8 tsp's. cinnamon and nutmeg, with a dash of pumpkin pie spice.  So delicious!  And very low-fat and lite, especially if you use a nonstick pan.  I really like this recipe and am excited to try her flour-less pumpkin pancakes.  I'm super-fueled for my first day of work at Girls Inc!  Feel like I could run for miles on that breakfast! I'll save that for after work.

P.S. would be interesting to play with this recipe, substituting chick pea flour and hashed potatoes to make potato pancakes with apple sauce!  

I am soooooooo glad I got over that keto nonsense and am back to nutrition that feels authentic, sustainable and energizing.  I'm almost embarrassed that I fell for the high-fat bullshit fad!  I respect if that works for some folks but is it all wrong for me and my awesomeness!  Plus, I am interested in being a protector of Life, animals, the Earth, myself, and a promoter of wellness.  Wholefoods and plant-based is the right way for me.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

RE: using violence (reacting in ways that mirror how haters behave for the sake of justice and giving them a taste of what they dish out) to deal with nazis/white supremacists and any other hateful opponent....this is the same tired retributive justice model that doesn't work.Over and over we've seen throughout history that fighting back and punishment methods don't produce the outcomes of peace and equality, outcomes I believe most people and societies want.

I understand that self-defense is whole other complex issue, and I do not criticize folks for protecting themselves...and retaliating in rage only fuels the fire. It's like the war machine and what John Lennon said. Using the same destructive weapons and fighting back can never beat the powers that be at war...they have mastered that strategy, clearly. Use strategies to counter the hate, domination, killing, etc, with weapons they do not understand. Weapons of love and right action we have cultivated in ourselves and learned to master.  This creates culture and conditions ripe for perpetual, lasting change. I believe this is the only way and it's a long and arduous path. And I check my white privileges even as I write my humble opinions, as I haven't experienced oppression like so many have. I acknowledge I might feel differently if circumstances in my life were different.

I hear you, and your anger is precious and righteous, feel it and honor it and study the roots of that anger, but I think the opposite. We have to organize, rein in and channel the rage skillfully, and not allow ourselves, our thinking, feeling and doing, to get clouded and poisoned as theirs is. Love is power and I believe the only way to co-create a strategic, positive peace that solves problems and eradicates hate for good. Violence isn't the answer and at best creates a negative peace which perpetuates more conflict at some point down the line. We have to be healers and heal the disease.

"A movement begins when the oppressed begin seeing themselves as pioneers in creating new, more human relations and thus advancing the evolution of the human race.
Confident of their own humanity, movement builders are able to recognize the humanity in others, including their opponents, and therefore the potential within them for redemption.
The methods we use in our struggles are transforming ourselves as well as our opponents into 'more human' human beings."

Grace Lee Boggs

And I've seen the argument, and it's a valid one, regarding Nazi Germany and fascism through Europe and the world.  What would have happened if the Allied Powers of WW2 wouldn't have dropped atomic bombs, completely annihilated the Axis Powers?  Was that the only way?  We know the atrocities of the Holocaust  had to be ended.  That said, many people feel that final act of annihilation by the Allied Powers was necessary.  I understand why people feel that way and I wonder what else could have been done.  Was such an extreme act of violence truly the only way? We know that current acts of terrorism and threats of nuclear war have to be dealt with, but how?  Is having stronger armies and farther reaching missiles the solution?  I doubt it. My feeling is that even WW2 and the horrors that took place, could have been prevented somehow in various ways.

All of these wars and Holocausts are about economy, borders, domination of natural resources, and how the 1% who are also the masters of war opt to maintain power over the world--seeing the rest of life as expendable, objects of collateral damage.  How do we stop that axis of evil and wars which shapeshift over time and are all connected?  This is the root of oppression which links all people;
white supremacists and People of Color.

If you study the roots of white supremacist hate, you learn that's economic.  White supremacists live in fear that they will live in poverty, that Jews or People of Color, or anyone that isn't white, will take from them what they believe is theirs. Hitler used this strategy to convince Germans that Jews were to blame for the poverty of their nation. Such utter confusion, delusion, blaming and fear of poverty or perceived lack, is the root problem.  The 1% and masters of war are magicians at engineering social conflicts among the masses in order to keep them distracted, miseducated and fighting.  We need to get very clear on this terrifying and demented reality, and get very creative as we implement alternatives to conflict.  I believe this is the real force of evil that is the root cause of every major conflict.  Racism is actually an economic class issue, which is founded on fear and perceived fear of poverty.  It is a construct designed and set up by social engineers to keep lower classes fighting while they strategically take control of everything.  Every human, rock/mineral, tree, animal, drop of water...everything.  I say this because those who choose to retaliate violently to social conflict like white supremacy, fascism, entities of hate that obviously have to be uprooted and healed, are falling into the trap.  We must not be fooled and must instead cultivate wisdom and clarity around these issues.

So, fear of not having, even in a world as abundant as Earth.  It's ludicrous!  And the way WW2 ended is deemed by many as just.  Even peace advocates feel this way.  Many believe the bombing had to happen in order to stop the Axis Powers.  But couldn't there have been other ways to deal with these problems, other than bombing the hell out of everyone?  I just can't believe that there were no other solutions and preventive strategies other than violence.  And I can't believe that there aren't other ways to deal with ISIS, terrorism, white supremacy and fascism now either.  I don't attempt to claim that I understand the complexities of all of these historic or current events, I just refuse to be indoctrinated with black and white, either/or, side-taking, stories about the way things are and how peace can or cannot be achieved.  I refuse to believe that it is impossible to construct and negotiate a positive peace, but I do believe that is the much, much, much harder way to go about problem solving.  But the harder, nonviolent way, going against the streams of convenience, will produce the peace we want better than conveniently giving into rage and fighting back.  I believe we can be much more creative and solution oriented than we have been.  From that visionary creativity, real answers and cures can be obtained to solve intractable wars and seemingly never-ending conflicts.

In addition: There is power, lots of power and untapped solutions, in treating the mental illnesses and fear white supremacist possess, as if they truly matter and are not energies that must be annihilated because they are rogue.  That isn't working and hasn't worked... The complexities of such illness have to be dealt with real care, love, compassion and medicinally through a variety of applications.  Think of this problem like cancer. Any retributive action will only fuel the fire...haters feed on that and gain energy and stamina through the fight. We must starve the monster of all that nourishes it, so it will lose the ability to replicate itself.  We have to create an environment that is inhospitable to illness, like alkalinity which kills off cancerous cells, or removing certain nutrients that parasites commonly feed on in the gut.  I think this perspective could be really beneficial for lasting change.  Look at it from a macro-microcosmic perspective, also considering the bi-directionality of Self/Collective health in concert with healing  the Earth too. This problem has to be solved holistically, strategically and from a variety of many angles.  Imagine spokes connected to the center of a wheel.  Like that. Institutional changes like better gun control laws (where nazis aren't allowed to tote guns in the streets, for example, etc) and removing racist public symbols support creating an "alkaline" environment that "cancer" can't thrive in.

I don't mean treating humans as cancer or parasites literally, per se, I mean it figuratively. I mean adopting a perspective that deals with violence as a health issue and learning to apply various healing techniques, or rather innovative attitudes, which perpetuate new technology and methods for healing social conflicts and injustices as if they are terminal illnesses. I mean tapping into that level of creativity and alternate thinking.  Seeing it all with a new spin. Perhaps if we view our problems from different angles with different lenses, we can cultivate a wider understanding, and thus discover other solutions which before weren't anywhere on our radar.

I think it is key to remember that "they" are part of "We."  Always and forever.  We are One.  We have to get there (a better world, whatever you want to call it) together or else we won't get there.  Haters, the Other, and all....  This is also key, especially when using the bodily health and wellness perspective I've described.  All parts of the body are connected and must be understood and approached holistically. Each system functions in concert.  They are not separate.  For example, inflammation in the body had to be decreased for example through diet, exercise, medicine and removing causal factors which induce inflammation, in order to heal the gut--which is connected to brain health--which is connected to mental clarity and emotional stability, which is connected to response-ability or reacting in rage, etc, etc, which perpetuates and perpetuates....  Patterns and feedback loops are what we're dealing with.  An individual body is to a collective body is to the Earth body.  We also have to heal the Earth to heal the human collective as well as a single human.  White supremacy can't be healed until we also address how it manifests in ways that are also destructive to the Earth.  It's a really big job, but if we learn to view our problems and illnesses differently, I believe there is hope for new outcomes.

Finally, reparations are definitely called for to create balance and remove causal factors which induce inflammation, as well as to create an environment and conditions ripe for renewed health and longevity. 

Friday, August 25, 2017

Girls Inc.

I got the facilitator job at Girls Incorporated!  I start Monday morning!  Ow-ow-ow-oooooooo!!!!! Ow-ooooo!  Hey girl!!!

Hah! And that's after walking out on a job where I wasn't treated with the respect I deserve and getting a call back to interview for another position at Santa Fe Mountain Center!!!  All in one day.

I'm soooooo grateful for the positive responses and wonderful opportunities to serve and grow professionally.  Exciting!!!!

Brave Girl!!!

I feel so brave!  Today I walked out on my job.  In three weeks the boss made three mistakes on my pay and tips and deals with it in the lackadaisical, aloof manner when I bring it to her attention.  I am so done with being any situation or relationship.  And I will not put up with unacceptable behavior and treatment.  One of the ultimate forms of abuse from an employer and worst ways to insult and devalue an employee is to not pay them properly and on time.  How ludicrous for her to hold all these expectations for how I am supposed to show up and perform at her business when she doesn't follow through with her end, and when it's a reoccurring problem.  Nope!  Not happening here.  Bye bye!  I have more important things to do with my precious time, energy and life.  

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Second Interview!!!

First interview with Girls Inc. went awesome today!!!  Second interview is tomorrow morning!!!

I think I got this!!  I'm soooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

follow-up realizations worthy of notation:

  • After a few months of eating animal products, and that after being vegan for years, I really can't stomach it and ALL that entails anymore.  Plant-based is right for me, period. Glad I had the courage to listen to myself and to take a closer look at the historic and emotional roots and complexities of my values, motivations, beliefs and habits, and got that out of my system.  I'm glad to get back to a way of life that feels authentic and right for me. I prefer to be a steward and conservationist.
  • Tried drinking alcohol (wine) again back in the spring just to see if it was fun, that didn't last long. Wine is really beautiful, actually.  I like grapes a lot. Lots of people like drinking...I just don't. Maybe that will be different someday.  I'll stay open to it, but I actually love being sober! 
  • I tried the ketogenic high-fat nutrition plan...which was interesting and eating rich fatty foods are delicious for a while, but not for me as a staple.  I feel sluggish on them.  Research shows it's great for some people and if I find myself epileptic or with neurological/neurodegenerative issues, perhaps I'll revisit this. Until then, I need healthy carbohydrates and lots of colorful, beautiful fruit!  Fruit makes me happy and energized!  The keto thing was causing my hormones to feel imbalanced and my mood was shit much of the time.  Perhaps this last month was harder than it needed to be and I just wasn't properly nourished?  Glad I didn't do anything stupid.  I think too little carbs is not healthful for women, and maybe not for men either; that I'll never know first hand.  Plus, I like to run and run for miles, and that's pretty dang hard to do without enough carbs. 
  • I like periodic intermittent and prolonged fasting and feel the variety of benefits and clarity which come with it, so I'll continue with that as needed.

Finally, I got an interview with Girls Inc.!!!!! Ow-oooooo!!! Howl at the moon!!!!! Ow-Ow-Ow-oooo!!!  Si se puede! We can do it!!!

Existential Trust Issues

Isn't it astonishing to (or rather, I feel astonished as I) realize that nearly any belief, argument, and agenda, whether congruent with or opposing another, can be backed by "evidence," "science," "research," "studies," and whatnot! I find such dialectics to be both exciting and aggravating, although I love how complex and mysterious EVERYTHING actually is. Keeping things simple is a great coping/living strategy, and I practice this in general, but nothing is really simple and most things are rarely what they seem and can be analyzed, reduced, extrapolated, etc. How does one sift through so much information and discover what is real, I mean, even just for one's self? A priori knowledge and direct experience must be the deciding factor, at least on an individual basis, but how much can that be trusted?!?!? Clearly, when we view the state of our human condition on individual and collective scales, with all of our different problems, a priori isn't the answer either. So what is? (I don't expect you to have the answers, although I'd love to know your thoughts.)


Monday, August 21, 2017

Employment Seeking: Persevere!

Applying for several positions today, all of which I think I could excel at.  If I get a full-time job, especially if it's an hour drive to ABQ, I'll have to slow school down most likely.  That would be fine.  I can't wait tables anymore.  I am so unhappy in that work...and I'm too introverted and burnt out for that sort of hustling. I hate it!!! I hate waiting on people!!!  It kills my soul!  I'm educated and have real, awesome interpersonal, therapeutic, intuitive and creative skills to offer.  I WILL find a better job that suits me and I won't give up until I get it!  Once I finally have my MA I'll be in way better shape to get a job I a counseling job with an international organization like the UN or another one.  Must...hold...on...

Saturday, August 19, 2017

'More human' human beings

"A movement begins when the oppressed begin seeing themselves as pioneers in creating new, more human relations and thus advancing the evolution of the human race.

Confident of their own humanity, movement builders are able to recognize the humanity in others, including their opponents, and therefore the potential within them for redemption.

The methods we use in our struggles are transforming ourselves as well as our opponents into 'more human' human beings."

Grace Lee Boggs

Friday, August 18, 2017

La Boheme: Let's Go Home

Dawning at birth




Culminating, synergistic cooperation

Butterfly affect across the nation

Arise gentle wisdom

Turn our new Leaves of Grass

From seeds of compassion

Gestating and germinating

A peace enduring shall last

Alchemy, Hermes-Thoth, Rabindranath
Harmony in We

Curing collective Ennui and Plath

Universal a priori 
                                                         On the stage of Montparnasse

Image result for modigliani girl with the necktie

romanticism: my favorite coping mechanism and character shortcoming...
and I am incurable 

Image result for modigliani paul guillaume

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Aspen Vista

 Up at 5 amping up for a 12 mile hike!  So exciting!

Summer will be over soon so I have to make the best of my free time while I have it.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Self care: For you, for me, for we

I know it isn't for everyone, but I love going to the gym. There are so many inspiring people there. I saw folks with major physical "ability" challenges and Elders practicing awesome self care. One Elder walked in with his walker, something that appeared to take a lot of effort in and of itself, and a with big smile on his face. I saw him lifting weights later. Wow! His energy empowered me to amp up my game and be so grateful to move, breathe, and feel my heart pound and blood pumping! LIFE!!! Being in a body within this sordid human condition and navigating various climates of unrest, violence and injustice is wrought with complexities and hardships...but being in a body, being a human being, is also so wonderful. I have to set time aside to be in gratitude and celebrate this opportunity so I don't die of rage and heartbreak. I know you know what I mean. Moving, stretching, breathing, walking in Nature, and doing other practices that help me to liberate and heal myself, is really about being more available for the Multiverse/God/Love/Source to move through and use me for the highest good. Self care, my friends!!! Self-mastery!!! Taking care of the mind, body, and spirit is SOOOOOO vitally important. Please be good to yourselves and let that goodness ripple out into the world in your own unique and powerful ways.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Croc Musings

Just found this personal response poem to a friend's crocodile drawing from theories of art therapy. I kind of like it.

toothy violence
your smiling weapons
creature of the soul's swamp
how surprised I was to learn you are also a helper spirit
carrying me, transforming me, killing parts of me that need to die
the death ritual skull rattles
laughing at and awakening me
I'm not so fearful, scary monster
you're my raft to unwavering safety within
what grace I've been offered through you,
the condensation of your breath, the snapping of your jaws
I am a twig amidst your wrath

humbled and grateful for being so low

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Interview!!!! I got it!!!

Got an interview for the Adventure Therapy Program!!!!!


Tuesday, August 1, 2017


So, I'm going about my day, have plans to workout and hike, and BAM!!!...
I get stepped on by a horse!  Plans cancelled.

My pinky-toe is fat and purple!  Ouch!!!!  Now I'm bored, in bed with an ice pack on my foot...dang it!!!

Fly (ex-racer) is really sweet but he is very naughty too sometimes.  He was testing boundaries and crowding my space and I wonder if he meant to step on me...he might have.  Horses are very agile and sensitive.  They know where there feet are going to land.  I think he was messing with me; not maliciously or else he could just kill me in a variety of ways of his choosing.  He was just being naughty and when working with enormous animals, that can get a girl hurt.

Fly, you shit!  And I should have had better boots on.  It's partly my fault.  I still love you, Fly, and I am grateful I get to work with the horses.  It's just part of the work.

Driving home from the barn, I thought about the little boy from the School for the Deaf who fell off his horse, and I watched it happen in slow motion from across the corral, and how he cried, not from being hurt, but from feeling scared at first and then because he was so moved by his classmates who cared so much about him, checked on him, and cheered him on.  Other kids who go to the center have been hurt in their interactions with the horses and they get back on and keep trying too. I'm going to be like them. Brave, little, tender warriors in a world where one can get thrown, stepped on and kicked around...and we just keep persevering.

On another note: I applied for a program coordinator position in the adventure therapy program at Santa Fe Mountain Center.  PLEASE!!!!!! PLEASE LET ME HAVE WHAT I WANT!!!   I can't stand being a waitress...I have so much more to offer.